Embracing the Chaos: Using Emotional Intelligence to Move Through Anger and Fear.
A week ago, I found myself in the midst of a mini-meltdown with my daughter out in public. My youngest was angry, afraid, and erupting… I cannot tell you how valuable it was to have emotional intelligence up my sleeve that day. Without it, we would’ve ended in a shouting match and me punishing her for her behaviour! Thank goodness that didin’t happen. What could’ve been a day completely ruined was only a blip on the radar.
Let me tell you exactly what happened because I KNOW how valuable this will be for you and your kids.
My daughter and I visited my parents, planned a lovely day out and were even lucky enough to borrow a canoe. But then, my daughter, all bubbly with excitement that morning, suddenly did a complete 180 just as we reached the water.
Can you relate to those unpredictable U-turns? They always catch us off guard, don't they?
"I don't want to go in the canoe, mummy" my daughter exclaimed. But it was not a problem; I decided to go with my dad instead. However, as we took the canoe off the car, her protests continued.
“No, mummy, don't go!” she pleaded.
In response, I opted for a shorter trip, clearly specifying the starting and ending points, providing her more information. The entire trip would take less than 5 minutes.
To ease her worries further, I suggested that she and my mum could walk along the water's edge, keeping track of us.
I didn't dismiss her objections with a "too bad, I'm going, you can't call the shots" attitude.
I made a deliberate and thoughtful decision to proceed with canoeing, allowing my daughter to step outside her comfort zone while still being in the caring presence of her loving Granny.
Emotionally intelligent parenting is NOT permissive. Rather, it involves empathy, acceptance of big emotions, and the establishment of fair, realistic, and age-appropriate boundaries.
As we reached the shore at the end of our paddle, I noticed my daughter crying heavily. It was a challenging moment.
Her tears continued for around 10 minutes, accompanied by repetitive statements of "No more canoeing!" and even a couple of instances where she said, "Bad mummy," in a bustling playground, with curious eyes potentially watching our emotional scene.
My mum, bless her heart, waited patiently next to us.
Despite the public setting, I consciously chose not to let anger or frustration dictate my response. I didn't react with statements like,
"You're being ridiculous!"
"Enough!"
"You do not get to control what I do. If I want to canoe, I will."
Nor did I resort to threatening to end our outing and return home.
I looked beneath the iceberg. You see, although my daughter had been on a canoe once before, she still had the developing mind of a six-year-old. And I understood that anger and avoidance often mask deeper feelings of anxiety or fear. So, instead of dismissing her feelings or simply agreeing with her, I validated her emotions and accepted her experience.
I gently said to her, "You don't like the canoe, do you? You didn't want me to go on it. But I did." Then, following a hunch from deep within, I spoke directly to her concern, "You were worried about me. You felt it was dangerous."
And you won't believe what unfolded next.
A torrent of emotions surged within her, and she said, "Yes! No canoeing! It's dangerous. Never again."
It became clear that her reluctance stemmed from a fear that I might get hurt.
After showering her with hugs, providing a comforting embrace as she allowed herself to release her emotions, we made our way to my dad, who was waiting in the canoe.
As she watched us and we engaged in a brief conversation for no more than two minutes, a significant turning point occurred.
In a soft and quiet voice, my daughter said, "I want a go." I kept my surprise (and relief!) hidden…
From that moment onward, we couldn't pry her away from the canoe. It was as if a switch had been flipped within her. The release of her emotions, expressed in her own six-year-old unique way, coupled with the chance to observe without feeling pressured to join in, became the turning point.
Now, here comes the third remarkable part…
Many hours later, during our car ride home, long after darkness had settled, my daughter suddenly called out from the backseat, “I'm sorry, Mummy."
Curious, I asked, "Sorry for what?" At that moment, I thought she had spilled some food in the car. But her response caught me off guard, touching my heart in the most profound way.
"For shouting at you today. I love you."
Oh, the sheer sweetness of those words!
Now let's reflect on some valuable takeaways from this story:
Your child is very rarely “giving you a hard time”. They're simply experiencing a challenging moment themselves.
Getting past the perceived judgement from others frees you to show up for your child in the way they need. So let go of external pressures and opinions.
It's important to remember that anyone who’s emotionally hijacked (overtaken by fear, anger, etc) is UNABLE to think rationally, logically or empathetically. This understanding helps us respond to our child's emotional outbursts with compassion and support.
Your child is unique, just as you are. You know your child best, so take what resonates and make it your own.
Every situation is unique. Looking back at this particular experience, I realize that on another day, I might have handled it differently.
Emotional intelligence is the cornerstone of parenting. By acknowledging and validating our children's emotions, we create an environment of trust and understanding.
And the next time you find yourself facing a meltdown in public, take a deep breath, look beneath the surface, and embrace emotional intelligence. You'll be amazed at the beautiful connection that can emerge.
Keep parenting with love, understanding and emotional intelligence.
Please feel free to share if you found this story and insights helpful. And if you’d like to chat about parent coaching and support for yourself with your child’s emotions or behaviour, just reach out.