Why Should We ‘Allow’ Our Kids’ to Feel Their Emotions?

It seems so straightforward and simple. Let your kids feel their emotions. So why is it so difficult for us parents? Why do we feel the need to direct, curb, squash, or rush our kids’ feelings? It is so unconscious for us. We don’t realise how often we say:

“Don’t worry, you’re fine”

“It’s just a scratch, it doesn’t hurt”

“She didn’t mean it, don’t be upset”

“Be a good girl”

“Just get on with it”

“Stop crying and eat your dinner”

“Everyone else seems to get it but you”

All of these statements deny our kids' true feelings, and squash their intuition. The same intuition that they need later, to be able to trust themselves, have inner confidence, be assertive and make good decisions.

Let me tell you about something that happened recently that really drove this home for me.

Last week we took my 6 year old to his first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class here in Sydney.

Arthur was excited for the whole week to go to this class. He knew a bit about the sport, he was always wrestling his daddy on the floor, and had even watched some BJJ videos online.

We were chatting to him about it and preparing him all week. Encouraging the excitement, as you do.

We had even invited his grandparents to come and watch as it was his first class. In hindsight, perhaps this overloaded him and put a little unconscious pressure on him.

As soon as we pulled into the carpark, he said that he didn't want to go in. He had changed his mind. I could see his body squirming and his face creasing up.

Right from that moment, I switched on. This is not to say that I am usually ‘switched off’ or on autopilot, as I am always embodying being an emotionally intelligent and aware parent. But in that moment, I took the approach that I knew I had to take, for Arthur’s sake.

I became attuned to his emotions and yet kept the ‘curious’ approach that I know is so effective for helping kids navigate their emotions and behaviour.

First off, we sat in the car park and didn't rush him out of the car. For a good 5 minutes. The class was starting without him. Did that bother us? Nope.

We didn't rush him out of the car, even though his grandparents were standing there looking at us quite confused.

We asked him how he was feeling and had a little conversation. It didn't matter that we were late. We asked him what was up, and what had changed.

He struggled to explain properly, and pinpoint what was different now to before. But he just knew he wasn't ready to go in. I respected that, and so we sat for a few minutes.

We helped him brainstorm some things he could do to feel more comfortable. He agreed for me to go in and check it out, then return and report back what the centre was like.

I loved that he also suggested I take a video or some photos of inside and come back and show him. So I did.

I was mindful to keep my body language and my verbal tone calm, and not to show any frustration or irritation.

He eventually agreed to come in and check it out, and also finally ventured up the stairs into the room where the kids and trainers were.

At no time did his dad or I push him or make him feel guilty. Why would we bother doing this? In an effort to force him to do what we came for? So that the afternoon wasn’t ‘wasted’? To fill our needs and desires, at his expense?

And you know what? In the end, he decided he didn't want to try the class. And long story short, we went back home again.

Although it was really disappointing for us as the parents, as we all were looking forward to it so much, we had to put that aside. At that moment, it wasn't about us. As our kids grow, they learn to navigate situations like this.

Was this a ‘wasted’ afternoon, or was it a giant opportunity and lesson in being aware of our emotions and honouring them?

If we look closely, we can see that our kids are learning to be aware of their emotions, feeling those feelings in their body, the discomfort, the anxiety, and knowing how to trust that. It's our job as parents to ALLOW that. It’s learning! And to encourage them to listen to their body and trust those feelings.

If we don't let our kids follow their feelings, and we get them to ignore their intuition now, when can we ever expect them to trust themselves? Trust their inner voice and make good decisions based on that? When will they learn to say no to something that doesn’t feel right for them?

As parents, we have to be able to manage our disappointment, frustration, and even anger - and let go of our plans and our control that we truly and unconsciously desire.

What would it take to just let your kids be?

To let them make their own decisions (of course, where safe)? Let them listen to their body, let them feel their emotions and pay attention to them. Let them see how their emotions can guide them.

I told Arthur later that day that I was really impressed that he listened to his heart. Yes, it was disappointing for us, but that was okay. What was more important was that he trusted his feelings – and he can always try again next week.

I told him some things that I wish I learned when I was young – that all feelings count. That he can be a brave kid, and have one day where he's not so brave. And that’s okay.

If you struggle with this and have questions about how to let your kids feel their emotions, reach out. I’m here. This is what I do. This is what I love. And really, don’t our kids deserve it? I hear you.