You might be wondering: “Is this emotional intelligence stuff really that important? I didn’t have it growing up and I turned out okay…” I too thought this for a while.

Let me share with you my perspective, which is echoed by many of the top experts and specialists in the child development spaces right now. It does not matter what age your child is, where you live, or what kind of upbringing you had as a child. Emotional intelligence is critical for all children.

Emotional intelligence is arguably the best gift we can give to our children in our role as parents. And to be honest, I would love to see this so much more in schools - so we are supporting our child’s emotional skills from all angles.

Let's go through some of the new knowledge and data behind emotional intelligence. There is so much research being done - and experts and specialists are now committed to sharing how impactful this is for our children.

So, what is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is our ability to recognise our emotions, and the emotions of others, and use this information as valuable sources of insight into our personal functioning and our relationships. So it’s not just about my own feelings, but it's also recognising that other people’s emotions are important for how I relate to them.

This is true for not only our own emotional intelligence as adults, but also for our children too.

Emotional intelligence is also seeing emotions as critical, powerful, and valuable messages or information on how we are behaving to others. Emotionally intelligent people use this knowledge to adjust their behavior by making good decisions and changing or shifting the way they show up.

We may not realise that emotions sit underneath everything we say and do. For too long, we have learned many lessons that we now need to unlearn. Lessons such as unpleasant emotions are childish, that they are silly, awkward, embarrassing, unhelpful, and even they are signs of weakness! So many really unhelpful messages around emotions that we have learned! Unfortunately, these lessons are harming our children, perpetuating anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges later in life.

Not many parents understand that emotional intelligence is a proven protective factor against anxiety and depression. That in itself is profound. Let’s take a closer look at some of what the research tells us about emotional intelligence skills in children.

Here are just a handful of outcomes of children who demonstrate emotional intelligence:

1. Kids with emotional intelligence have good self-awareness.

Understanding and having the awareness of how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling these feelings, and what I can do about them.

2. They can cope with strong ‘unpleasant’ emotions more smoothly.

Things like frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, grief, and confusion.

3. They can handle stress and anxiety better.

Emotional intelligence is a protective factor against anxiety and depression.

4. They have more problem-solving capabilities.

Emotional intelligence encompasses developing problem-solving skills, and working out how to solve a problem rather than blowing up or melting down about it.

5. They better manage aggressive people.

It is so beneficial for children to know how to deal with peers in the classroom, playground, or community, who are angry, rude, or explosive. Emotional intelligence allows our child to recognise emotionally charged people and find ways to navigate these situations without resorting to physical means.

6. They have closer relationships with their parents.

When we show up from a place of emotional intelligence in our parenting, we’re able to better navigate our emotions. This means we are less prone to becoming angry and triggered by our child, and less likely to resort to threats or punishment when our child doesn’t meet our expectations. Instead, we come from a place of calm and understanding, patience and problem-solving. This maintains connection rather than repeatedly fracturing it and pushing our children away.

7. They are less likely to turn to drugs and alcohol to manage strong emotions.

Why would they need to resort to substances, when they have the skills to deal with those uncomfortable emotions and inevitable adversity throughout their life?

8. They are more empathetic.

A core competency within emotional intelligence is empathy. Recognizing others' emotions allows children to adjust their behaviour and words to better respond to another person who is frustrated, sad, jealous, or disappointed. Hint: this is a non-negotiable trait for successful managers and CEOs in any business!

9. They perform more on academic testing.

A child who can manage emotional stress and turmoil is able to deal with these feelings in a classroom or testing situation in order to learn, retain information and draw on it when needed.

10. They will go on to earn more money in their career.

People do not want to work with people who do not know how to manage their emotions, who blow up or who are rude or aggressive or who lack empathy, and who can't build bonds and relationships.

Emotional intelligence needs to be in your home. Not in a few years, not when they hit high school, not later when they’re adults and habits are hard to break. We need to lay the foundations for this now. Sorry, but as parents, we don't get a do-over, a second shot at raising our kids.

To inoculate our kids against anxiety, depression, falling in with the wrong crowd, letting their emotions take over, blowing up, or shutting us out, then this is how we do it.

I coach parents to feel calmer, more confident, and better able to deal with their children’s big emotions and challenging behaviour. If you want more support on this or if you want to learn how to do it, reach out.

If you want to learn how to develop your child’s emotional regulation skills or know how to manage their challenging behaviour, I highly recommend you take my online courses - How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids is FREE for a limited time, and the follow-up course Decoding and Defusing Challenging Behaviours is my powerful 1-hour Masterclass (currently on sale!)

For information on private coaching or my signature 10 Week parent program: Chaos to Connection, fill in the contact form below. I offer a free 30 min consult to discuss how my coaching can benefit you and your whole family. Let’s chat! Fill in the contact form below and take the first step.

What is Emotional Intelligence and is it really that important for kids?

Stephanie Pinto

SOCIAL