Replacing Threats, Bribes, Consequences with Connection.
Hands up if you experienced coercive parenting methods as a child? Not sure? Let me give you some examples of what these traditional parenting approaches look like. Some of us even still employ these techniques today - often without even realising. No judgement here - just read on to find out how to get out of this habit.
Bribes sound like: If you do X, you can have Y (something enticing).
E.g. “If you do your homework you can have a cookie.”
Threats sound like: If you don’t do X, you’ll get Y (something awful).
E.g. “If you don’t tidy your room, there will be no more iPad for the week.”
Consequences sound like: Because you did that, I’m going to do this to you (something unpleasant).
E.g. “You hit your sister. Go to timeout!”
What’s interesting is that we often don’t even realise we’re doing this, because it’s so ingrained in us and our culture. Many parents experienced it as a child. Many of us have family and friends who expect us to parent this way. Media and our overall culture depicts this as our norm.
So, what’s wrong with these methods? In short, a lot. To save you time, I’ve collated a list:
No-one likes to be manipulated, controlled or coerced by others. Not me, not you, certainly no-one in a relationship or workplace. No adult would put up with it, and neither should a child.
Bribes serve to deconstruct the value of the lesson you want your child to learn. It’s like saying “The thing I want you to do (e.g. tidy your room) is so awful that I need to bribe you with something juicy to motivate you”. It’s a sure way to make kids resist doing that thing.
Parenting in this way inspires a ‘transactional feel’, encouraging children to do things to avoid or get certain things. This erodes the true bond in the relationship.
All of these methods simply push people away from each other! They teach a child one thing: In order to get someone to do something you want, you need to manipulate them. Are we really teaching them this lesson?
Threats and punishments elevate the child’s fear, anger and anxiety, placing them into a stress response (fight, flight, freeze). In this state is where NO ever learning takes place.
These tactics only breed frustration, stress, anger and eventually contempt. They might work when your kids are young, but it won’t last for long. And for that short period of time that they do work? Consider the tremendous cost!
I need you to realise the power of using connection rather than those outdated methods.
Connection is the most powerful approach to raising children who are not only cooperative but kind, empathetic, driven, resilient and successful.
Your close, warm, trusting relationship with your child is the only way to encourage your children to truly listen and hear what you say. Not just the small things like brushing their teeth, getting to school on time or eating vegetables, etc but the big things. Like why we don’t use hurtful language, why we sometimes break the rules to protect friends, why we should never take drugs or substances people offer… those things.
Connection also includes being playful, creative, silly and FUN. This is your child’s langauge! Some playful, connected ways to encourage our child to cooperate or get their attention are:
Doing a dance with their toothbrush to show them it’s time to brush.
Giving a head massage before asking them to turn off the TV.
Pretending to dry them off with their towel before they’ve showered.
Making their pencil talk about a funny story when getting homework out.
Let go of the bribes, threats and consequences. Approach routines and give instructions with connection: empathy, compassion, fun and playfulness is a much better short- and long-term method. Give it a go in small moments, test it out, get your feet wet - and let me know how you go!
If you want to learn how to develop your child’s emotional regulation skills or know how to manage their challenging behaviour, I highly recommend you look at my online courses. I have just launched one called Help! I’m a Shouty Parent! More include: How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids which is FREE for a limited time, and also Decoding and Defusing Challenging Behaviours is my powerful 1-hour Masterclass (currently on sale!)
For information on private coaching or my signature 10 Week parent program: Chaos to Connection, fill in the contact form below. I offer a free 30 min consultation to discuss how my coaching can benefit you and your whole family. Let’s chat!
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