Why Validating Your Child's Emotions Can Backfire (And What To Do Instead)
As parents, we're often told that validating our children's emotions is important. But what if your efforts to acknowledge their feelings are met with more frustration, anger, or outright denial?
I remember working with a parent who described how validating her son when he was upset would often make him react even more.
This is something many parents encounter, and it can be confusing. You're trying to help your child, but it feels like your efforts to validate their emotions just add fuel to the fire! Let me explain some reasons why this happens and give examples of better responses that can actually help defuse your child rather than intensify their distress.
Understanding the Emotional Hijack
When kids are really upset or angry, they can experience an "emotional hijack" where the emotional or reactionary part of the brain takes over and logic goes out the window.
It's already uncomfortable to be so out of control emotionally in this heated state and sometimes having a parent ‘analyse’ those feelings can irritate kids more.
To understand why, imagine you had a terrible day at work. Your boss unfairly dumped a ton of extra work on you. You vent about how frustrated you are to your partner, and they say, "I can see you're really frustrated about all this work."
You'd probably think—Of course I’m frustrated!! Telling me that doesn't help!
When we're emotionally hijacked, remember that emotions are high, and logic is low. We just don't have access to the rational part of our brain.
So focusing too much on an upset child's feelings can feel embarrassing — they already know they feel out of control and "yucky."
Having a parent almost clinically reflect back the unpleasant feelings can make the discomfort worse for some kids. They react defensively, lashing out or denying the emotions rather than feeling "seen."
Remember, this is not for all kids. Some feel comfort when their parent validates their emotions - other’s don’t.
So what do we do if our child erupts when we try to talk about how they’re feeling?
Focus on the Situation, Not the Child.
The key is acknowledging the emotion without putting your child on the spot.
Saying, "You seem really worried about that test," puts the focus and judgment on them. But saying, "Tests can be really scary when so much rides on the results," focuses on the situation. It tells your child their feelings are normal without bringing extra attention to them.
Show you understand why it would reasonably upset anyone. For example, instead of "I can see how upsetting being called that name is for you," try "Being called hurtful names is not okay. That's really upsetting."
This subtle shift shows you understand while also normalising the feelings - not shining a spotlight on your child's reaction alone.
Examples of Situation-Focused Responses.
Here are some more examples of shifting the focus to the situation rather than directly calling out your child's emotions:
Instead of "You must be so hurt about not being invited to the party," try "It really sucks to feel left out of things. I know that's a horrible feeling." You're acknowledging the hurt of being excluded without directly labelling their emotions.
Instead of saying, "I can see you're really frustrated," try "Having the TV turned off right now is so frustrating." You're acknowledging the emotion, but pointing the spotlight at the situation, not your child.
Instead of "I can see you're really angry your sister took your toy," try "It's so frustrating when someone takes your things without asking. You really love that toy."
Instead of "I know you're disappointed you can't have ice cream," try "It's a bummer when treats get forbidden. I'd be disappointed too."
Relating it to your own emotions takes the heat off your child, which can also defuse the situation.
The Takeaway…
The main takeaway here is that while validating emotions is important, putting your child under a microscope when tensions are high sometimes backfires.
And this can make them feel self-conscious, irritated, and misunderstood.
Try these tips:
✔ Validate the situation, not the child directly.
✔ Make it about the situation itself and why anyone would reasonably feel that way
✔ Express how you'd feel the same way.
✔ Come alongside them in the frustrating moment, rather than analyse their experience of it.
With this strategy of validating the situation vs. your child directly, you can show kids their feelings make sense while also helping to defuse big emotions rather than unintentionally making things worse.
The situation is the problem, not them or their reaction.
What has worked for you when emotions are running high? Have you found better ways to respond that don't add fuel to the fire? I’d love to hear, just put a comment below!